OOPS!!!
I know I know, it’s been forever and a day since my last post. But get excited because I’m about to throw a flurry of blogs on you. Just know the more love you show my page, the more I write. Get on it!
OHHH.. WELL, EXCUSE ME MR. TAN MAN, DON’T LET ME INTERRUPT.
No pool, no tanning bed, clearly no problem for this sun bunny. It was about 5:30 pm and I was going to get my hike on at Runyon Canyon. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Runyon, it’s a hiking spot where the who’s who, as well as the wanna be who’s who hike. Though Runyon has ok views, it’s really not that great in the looks department. Basically, it’s a big dirt hill covered in dog poo, where onlookers drool over each other, as well as the Hollywood Hills homes. It reminds me of a night club, woman have hardly any clothing on ( butt cheeks hanging out all over the place), men listening to music, while fist pumping the air and hitting on whatever is showing the most skin. Ok, yeah I get it i’m kind of calling the kettle black here, but whatever i’m an actress! What do you expect?!?
Anyway, I was on the hunt for a parking spot when this swimsuit model in training, almost caused me to crash my car! First off, I admire that you’re shameless here, but can you even get a tan at this time of the night? Secondly, What makes you think you think your tan is more important than fire safety?!? Yeah, that’s right look close and you’ll notice bozo here is in parked ILLEGALLY, in the red, blocking a fire hydrant! Hey pumpkin, unless you’re a Calvin Klein model and you plan on popping that fire hydrant and spraying down you’re chiseled abs …move it along.
We all go through those phases where we’re all about being healthy and not shaming our bodies into an alcohol induced coma. I’ve been on one of these kicks as of late, therefore you’d expect my brain to be at it’s performing peak. Where I’ve been, who’ve i’ve met and what I’ve done shouldn’t be fuzzy. Unless, oh HELL Am I showing early signs of dementia?!? What makes me think I’m loosing my memory you ask? Well, I was visiting my mom over weekend when the mystery began. I had just taken a shower and grabbed a pair of jeans to change into. When I picked up my pants this “business card” (pictured above), fell out on my pocket and onto the floor in front of my mom!!! Yeah, it’s freakin’ awkard as shit that my mom saw it, however the fact that I had NO CLUE where it came from, made it awkward as well as disturbing! All things on this cut out piece of paper are gross, but there is one little line that grabs my attention. No, it’s not the “exotic massages” or the “male escorts,” but rather the “HAND MADE toys.” Note to this Aaron the Handyman character, if by chance I wanted a sex toy from your phantom self, I guaranteeeeeee that I would NOT want it to be hand made and/or come from your garage. I mean how are you hand making toys? What are you whittling them out of wood? Unless it comes from some well established slut shop, is sanitized and packaged, it will not be getting anywhere near my whohaa! I’m a little worried as to why I don’t remember getting this card. Either I was slipped a date rape drug at the coffee bean or I’m about to have a stroke. I’m going to a different coffee joint from now on and im making a doctor appointment pronto!
BUN BOY
Whole foods Store is basically where I live. Luckily, here in La La Land there’s one on every other corner. The food for the most part is organic and if your an actor it’s a great place to whore your headshot around. The Hollywood locations are swarming with industry people. DUH! Industry folks = self center douches = they don’t want a fat ass. HEY I can say that because I’m sure I’m one of them (minus the douche part).
Anyway, enough about that. Story Time. It was lunch and I was in “if I don’t get food right now, I’m going to be forced to slap the first baby or cute animal I see,” mode. Food in hand and jaw on the ground I saw something that beyond disturbed me. Notice the strapping lad in the picture? Well, he was at the salad bar where he collected some food to go. After creeping his fingers into his food and putting the food into his mouth(with bare fingers), he marched over to pastry bin. As he stood and decided if he wanted a cookie or a muffin, he continued with his fingers in his mouth business. Yeah, you see where this is going. He licked each finger so hard that, I swear, he was trying to get rid of his damn finger prints. Sticky proceeded to take the saliva covered fingers and HAND PICK a goodie. So, I’m clear…Bun Boy did not grab the first cookie he saw. He fingered his filthy paws over THREE cookies before he got the ONE he wanted!!! There’s load of things here that piss me off! First of all, this is not Ralphs, Vons or Costco, where I expect this kind of bullshit. This is an organic, skinny bitches motherland! We pay triple the price, so that we can feel better about eating a cookie (can’t be bad if it’s organic, right?). And dumbass here ruins it for us. I’d like to mention that Hollywood is the Land of random, meaningless Hookups. Getting naked with a stranger is basically like a handshake here. I’m not that kind of girl, but after eating one of these contaminated cookies, I mind as well be. Thanks to finger licker here, I’ve now ingested what’s been in his mouth and on fingers. Thanks a lot, starvation here I come.
Please don’t let it stop!
If Carrot Top and Cyndi Lauper made a love child, while watching a Jane Fonda workout video…I’d imagine this bouncing Betty would be the result. I’m almost terrified to say anything harsh. NEVER would I want anything to stop this fire cracker from dry humping her yellow ball. This eye feast took place in the aerobics room, in my shit show of a gym. Miss Sexercise frequents this room where her body flailing changes daily. Ohhhh but it gets better. She decided to ask me a few questions on how I stay fit and after the end of our chat, handed me her business card. You know what she does for a living? Sit you’re ass down for this one. She’s a sex therapist! YEAH, that’s right! At first glance you’d think, what in the hell is she doing?!? But maybe she’s on to some sort of sexercise that brings you to the holy sex grail! In that case get back to your bumping and grinding sister!
GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE.
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and there’s a woman outside my apartment picking up DOG SHIT with her BARE HANDS!!! FYI once your furry friend’s waste hits the ground, it stops being poop and immediately becomes SHIT. Now, that we’ve cleared that up, let me paint this ugly picture for you. I was in my car on the way to the gym, when Miss goddess of filth, almost caused me to wreck my car. When I caught her she was on her knees, with a Starbucks napkin in her left hand and her bare right hand was picking up her DOG’S SHIT, out of the grass, one chunk at a time. Oh and she was talking to herself and smiling (of coarse). The thing is, this wasn’t a little dog who makes little poop, but rather a big ass dog, who makes big ass turds! Ok, Josie Grossie I love dogs to death, but I’d rather you leave the SHIT where it is, just leave it. Go take a bleach bath…
In honor of singles awareness day…
You know your single when:
1. You loose all sense of body hair maintenance. Doing yoga, your face is pressed against your shins. Only then, do you become aware that not only is your face getting irritated by the stubble, but your legs resemble a damn chia pet.
2. You fall asleep to wedding dress shows(all of which you’ve seen), a body slathered in self tanner, teeth covered in bleach, oh and don’t forget those sexy hand moisturizing gloves.
3. Yay, you get a date! But you get stood up by the guy. Why, you ask? So, that he can be an extra on the reality show “The Hills”. Go to hell Audrina Patridge, have a nice life being a wet blanket.
4. You get turned on by the HOT piece of man who makes your salad at Greens Up. Make it baby, make it!
5. You’re reading “The Rules,” which has excellent dating advice. Ironically, you’re still single and have no future prospects. Weird.
6. You make daily visits to Whole Foods, only to stalk the vitamin man for hugs. True story.
7. Valentine’s Day is approaching. For some strange reason you and all single woman alike are raging bitches.
8. When V Day strikes, you vow to hunt down Cupid and shove his sweet, little, arrow up his fat, baby, ass!!!
Happy Valentine’s Day. Have a drink…maybe two, it’ll take the edge off.
Sometimes life just isn’t fair.
Need to witness a good dose of crazy? Go visit an LA based coffeeshop (Starbucks, The Coffee Bean, etc). It doens’t matter the day or time, every visit will almost guarantee a shit show. For this reason I’m grateful to be addicted to coffee, because I can get my buzz on and judge people at the same time. Genius, Right?! There’s a down side, not all the people watching is pleasurable. It’s not unusual for one of these village idiots to piss me off.
Recently, I was getting my Skinny Bitch coffee (extreme no sugar added ice blended mocha. 90 calories FYI) when my space was invaded. I was grabbing a napkin and a straw, when a woman dressed like a retired teacher or legal secretary (you know the type of woman who has nothing exciting to dress up for), stood so close to me that she could probably smell my unscented deodorant. While doing this she slurped her plain, black coffee and pretty much shouted, “ohhhhhhh yum yum yum yum!!!” Yeah, I was bothered by her standing too close, but I was more bothered by her reaction! Look I love coffee…No wait I fucking love coffee! But let’s face it people, does plain black coffee really deserve that kind of reaction? She didn’t appear to be an actress(AKA Attention whore) so if a cup of joe get’s an “ohhhh yum yum yum yum,” what would a slice of cheesecake get? An orgasm? The question is does miss “ohhh” only have a heightened sense of taste? Or is this a physical thing too? If that’s the case I’m going to feel incredibly jipped! Hey good for you if shitty tasting things are an oral overload. Have fun joining the fat American club! But if you get extra physical pleasure…I hate you.
Let’s play a little game called, ” I spy an idiot.”
If you spotted the woman in the purple top, who’s action resembles some sort of purging porpoise YOU WIN! Look, I appreciate that she’s putting in the effort, but what is she trying to accomplish here? Is this some sort of SEXercise that I’m missing out on? I’d feel quite shameful if I didn’t know about it. OR Is she trying to strengthen her body for her long night of binging and purging? Ehh wouldn’t want to learn that special move. If this exercise master wasn’t doing either one, I’d think it’d be best if she save her dry heaving, dolphin hump and ride the elliptical like a normal human. The recommended way of using the equipment might give you better results Captain Obvious.
UMMM, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?!
This gem was taken at a bookstore in West Hollywood. Take a look and then a closer look. Let what’s happening sink in and maybe you can tell me what the F*ck lurch is doing to the right!!! I was innocently looking at a cook book (yeah I know compelling reading material), when I spotted jack-off Jack. Might I throw out a suggestion? How about you, your hand and whatever your hand is coddling, get a room as well as some f*@king common sense! UGGH
